How many times has a sale been lost, an opportunity missed, feelings hurt or meanings misunderstood, all because a person just wasn't listening? Listening is the key ingredient to building solid relationships, both personal and professional.

There are two different areas where listening skills are important:

1. How effective listening can build our management and leadership skills and ultimately help others; and
2. How effective listening can help us build our businesses by developing better relationships with our customers.

Let's look at some of the "dos and dont's" of being a good listener.

The first type of listening I would like to address is objective listening...when we remain entirely objective, keep our own feelings or opinions out of our thought process, and not allow what is being said to influence the way we are hearing the speaker. Many times when a person speaks to us, instead of listening and attempting to understand what the person is really saying, we immediately begin to gather an opinion. We're already thinking ahead about what we're going to say next, interrupting the speaker to offer our own "take" or interpretation.

To be an effective objective listener, we must force ourselves to listen. No daydreaming; no thinking ahead to the next sentence; no forming our own opinions; no trying to anticipate what the speaker is about to say next. Allow the speaker to completely finish, concentrating all the while on what he or she is trying to convey.

It takes practice, but we must exercise empathy...put ourselves "in the speaker's shoes", focus on what he or she is saying. We must ask ourselves, "How is he feeling about this?" "How is she affected by this?" It is only then that we can begin to have a better understanding of what the speaker really means and how best to answer and give advice, if needed.

All too often we begin to think about how we would feel, what we would do, or how this would affect us, and it changes our entire perspective about what is being said. We don't even let the speaker finish before interrupting with, "Oh, I had a similar experience once". Instead of intently listening, we tell our own long, drawn-out story, which is a total waste of time and usually has no relevance whatsoever to how the speaker is feeling, thinking or being affected.

Many times this scenario occurs in the interaction between consultants and managers. Although the "feel, felt, found" philosophy has had positive results in some areas of problem solving; managers will reap greater benefits when they rely on empathetic, objective listening as a resolution to problem issues. When a problem or concern is posed, it's easy to respond, "Oh, don't worry about it. That happened to me, too, and you know what I did? I just told them this...or did this...or said that..." And it's easy to confuse a response utilizing the "feel, felt, found" philosophy as empathy, when in reality, it is not. The fact of the matter is that what you would do - and what they should do - could well be two different things.

When a problem, question or concern is posed, be silent. Listen intently. Then ask questions. Not only will this help you get a full understanding of the situation, but it shows that you're genuinely interested and that you care. In addition, when you ask questions, you give the speaker an opportunity to work through the problem herself.

* "Have you ever tried doing this?"
* "Have you thought about that?"
* "Then what did you do?"
* "How did you feel at that time?"
* "What did you want to do then?"
* "What did you think needed to happen?"

Many times a person just needs a sounding board, and intently listening and asking questions is much more effective in the problem-solving process than offering a long opinion about what happened to you and what you would have done, had you been in the same situation.

Your reply could be something like, "I know how you feel. I had a similar situation and this is how I handled it." Forget all the details. This is what happened...and this was the outcome; and isn't it true that the outcome is what's really important to the individual? This type of listening will help you become a solution-conscious manager.

Here are some helpful hints in building your listening skills: First, be relaxed. Eliminate all distractions. If you are face to face with the speaker, be attentive. Look him directly in the eye. Exercise positive facial gestures to indicate that you are paying attention. Try not to be critical, either mentally or verbally. If you're on the telephone, put down all pens, pencils, papers or other obstacles. If you must, remove yourself from your desk area to a place where you can listen intently to the speaker.

Next, do not attempt to do two things at once. It is next to impossible to be a good listener while reading a letter, balancing your checkbook or answering your E-mail. Robotic responses such as, "Yeah, uh-huh, uh-hmm", let the caller know that you're not really interested. I've found myself in this situation many times, and when I do, I have to stop! I realize I have missed a very important point, so I back up, ask the caller to "go over that point again, please", and slip into "empathy mode". In "empathy mode", I am not only listening to what the caller is saying, but placing myself in his or her shoes, and asking questions like:

* "How would this make me feel?"
* "How is he feeling right now?"
* "What would I be going through if this were happening to me?"
* "What is she going through?"

Learning to be a good listener can also positively impact your business through booking, selling and recruiting. I’ve heard it said time and time again that the secret to effective recruiting is simply learning to listen to a person's needs. You know what? I have found that the key to success in any industry is in the power of being a good listener! This is also true in your personal life. If you want to be a better manager, have better skills at home with your spouse, or build a better relationship with your children, learning to be a good listener can fulfill all of these goals.

Phillip L. Hunsacker and Anthony J. Alessandra state it best in their book, The Art of Managing People: "If we are really willing to learn how to listen, it will take a lot of hard work to learn these skills and constant practice to keep them in shape. The most important step is realizing that listening is a necessary skill-as important as other communication skills, such as reading, writing and speaking.

Especially necessary is the understanding that listening should not take a secondary position to speaking, but to be its verbal counterpart. Speaking has traditionally been a "favorite child" but you should realize that when no one listens, it's pointless to speak."

So, Step into Success readers, here's to the powerful results you're about to experience by becoming a good listener! Happy Holidays!